Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Feeling Grateful

I find myself sitting with Aaron in our rocking chair feeling grateful for his life and for where we are now. We go back and forth, back and forth, and I study every last part of him. His long fingers, his toes as they curl around my fingers as I play with them, the cowlicks in his hair, the breath gently rising and falling in his chest, his double chin showing his wonderful health and growth. I am amazed at all of him.

Every December, a local grief group for parents that have lost children put on this absolutely wonderful candlelight service to remember those that we have lost. Parents can do a power point slide that shows the child that was lost. The whole thing is set to music and it is incredibly moving. I went this year, and did a slide for Noah. It was a wonderful reflective time for me to go spend an hour or so just focusing on my beautiful boy that was lost. I still think of him every day and ache for the place where he should be in my house and daily activities. Time has moved me forward, and I can function again. I now look back on him and think of his life rather than his death. However, it is a blessing to go have time just for him.

Coming home to Aaron was a wonderful reminder of just how lucky I am. I scooped him up right away and we rocked together in our chair for a good long time, and I just appreciated every part of him. I thought of how if I had only known the last time that I held Noah alive was going to be the last time, how I would have treasured every part of him. It helped me to look at Aaron with more appreciation. God, I am so glad he is here.

Tonight we were sitting together again, and I was remembering those first days after I lost Noah, and how empty my arms felt with no baby to hold. Now I sit with this thriving child and my arms, my heart, and every last part of me is just so grateful that that empty feeling is gone. I knew that I would love him so deeply in a way that most parents can’t understand unless they have been through what I’ve been through. I just hold him and meditate on “thank you, thank you, thank you…”