Thursday, June 26, 2014

Happy 5th Birthday Noah!

Dear Noah,

Happy birthday sweet boy. Has it really been five years already? It feels like a milestone of a sort to get to this point. A lot has changed between now and then, and I am proud to say that five years in, we miss you like crazy, but we are doing ok. I feel like I am filling out lots of health questionnaires, being pregnant again and inevitably your story comes out through those things. The doctor then turns to me with pity, saying “I am so sorry.” I found myself saying the other day to a new doctor, “really, I have a great life,” and found that I genuinely meant it. It was kind of a revelation to realize that I felt that way.

It is silly to realize this. I love your dad more than anything. Aaron is amazing and keeps us laughing and on our toes every day. And, your baby sister is on her way, which we are so excited about! I feel like you have been behind the scenes all this time working hard to continually send us reasons to smile and carry on, and this latest development of a new baby is over the top cool. We all can’t wait to meet her and know, just as we did with Aaron, that you have picked out the perfect soul for us. I know you will look after her like you do with Aaron, and thank you so much for that.

You’ve met a lot of our family this year as they have come your direction, leaving earth, and heading home. I have lost three grandparents, which I know are playing with you and spoiling you rotten as they did with me when I grew up. You are meeting my Uncle Bob, who is just a goofball who is probably making you laugh. And, you are getting to see my dad, Pawpaw again. Losing you was really hard on him, so I know that he is enjoying being with you.

This year, I am trying to do us both a favor and let go more and more of the pain of losing you, and embrace more fully the joy of what it was to have you here. I know that you are around us every day, and I absolutely love that. It is a blessing. For all these years, all those emotions, both the beautiful and painful parts have been so tightly bound together, and holding on to the painful parts of it doesn’t do any of us any good. When my heart and head start to go that way, I let it go. I look for you in the rainbows you send us, the blessings that come, the funny ways that you let us know that you are always there, focusing on those things instead. It takes some discipline, but I think it is working. The pain keeps you fresh in my mind, like a videotape set to repeat, so I feel like you are less present at times with this new thought process, and that is hard, so please keep letting me know you are there.

Please watch over the baby and me. We have some complications we are facing as you know. I don’t accept risk very well at all after losing you, so it is easy to let my nerves get the best of me. I know that this will all be fine, and that next year in my letter to you, I will have misspellings and weird grammar from being tired from chasing after your amazing siblings! This is just a season of life – having babies – that is about over, and life will be about raising these kids instead. I think your dad and I never quite got comfortable with this phase of it. Life is just so fragile when it is this new, and we had a rough start at parenthood having to say goodbye to you so soon. It isn’t such an easy thing to get over as we have had more children. All the same, I am so grateful we have gotten to have more, and now have this amazing family, including you.

I love you so much sweetheart, and I am grateful for your life. I can’t imagine a life where I never had the chance to know and love you, and am so glad that I have had that experience, no matter what it has cost me at times. It’s an honor to be your mom, and to be blessed with your life and your story. Thanks for being ours. Happy 5th birthday.