Happy 15th Birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

Happy fifteenth birthday! At fifteen you would truly have been a teenager. We’d maybe be thinking about a learner’s permit to drive this year, which is scary. You’d be in high school with the end of the road of you being at home with us on the all too short horizon. We’d maybe start thinking about college. You’d probably be pushing for independence to begin to figure yourself out away from us. What a different world this would be if you were here in person instead of in spirit! It is strange to contemplate.

The five-year marks always feel like milestones, of a sort. The first 5 years since you were gone, and the first 10. Now here we are at another with 15 years. How are we doing? I think about what anyone would say to their loved ones left behind:

Remember me and include me when you can. Fifteen years have come and gone, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. You are always in my heart and mind no matter what. Since it has been so many years, I think this is just going to be the way of things for the rest of my life, and I am good with it. It isn’t as raw and fresh as it was in the early years. You are just a constant companion in my consciousness. Your stocking still goes up on the mantle at Christmas. We celebrate your birthday each year. We take family pictures with one of us holding your big photo in the middle. We talk about you often. You are just one of us, no matter where you are, and you always will be.

Take care of yourself. This is hard in my crazy life between work and raising kids, but I do my best. I go to the doctor when I am supposed to. I try to eat well and get exercise. I love living in Colorado and the fresh air and outdoor opportunities it provides. Your younger siblings sure keep us busy as well! And we try to prioritize life to relax and manage stress as best as we can. This is a busy season of life to be sure, but we will keep working on taking care of ourselves.

Find things that give you joy. Done. As you know, we have your two younger siblings who give us endless amounts of joy! Watching them grow is such a rewarding experience. As they get older and we have more and more time to indulge in our own hobbies and interests, we continue to have an open mind to trying new things as we can. We live in the car these days taking kids to and from activities, but there is still time to work in a good book to read or ways to be creative or active in between all of it.

Don’t be sad all the time. I do the best that I can. Most of the time I am ok, but I do cry over you and probably will for the rest of my life. I miss you tremendously. Life is a composite of lots of emotions. Joy at watching the kids grow as I mentioned above. Laughter at whatever goofy thing the pets have done. Determination in the things we work towards. Sadness over what we have lost, and everything in between. It’s what makes for a full life. No, I am not sad all the time, but I am sometimes, and I think that’s ok.

And, remember that I love you. We love you as well. That is a constant. It is an earth-shattering, utterly life-changing thing to bring another human into the world. You left an indelible mark. You are remembered and loved always.

Fifteen years since my arms last held you. I can hardly believe it. I both love and hate the passage of time. I love how we all grow and change. I hate time moving me further and further away from you. But you are always there, and I have to remember that. Happy birthday to my sweet boy, the one who made me a mom, which is my favorite part of my life.

XOXO,
Mom