Happy 14th Birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

Hello my love, and welcome to another year! You are now 14, and it blows my mind how much time has passed. It’s been long enough for life to move on in a different cadence, yet you are still there behind it all through everything. It isn’t the way I wanted you to be with me through life, but I am grateful that you are never fully gone. I know you are always there with us, cheering us on.

Where would you be? Getting ready to start 9th grade in the fall? Starting high school, not far until college, the years slipping past. Feeling that fear as parents that the end where you are launched out in the world is closer than we would like. I don’t have to worry about that with you, though. I miss you, and what life would have been.

Life is busy, as it usually is for our family. We’re making big moves. Things have settled and we’re more fully back in the world than we have been in the last few years. What a relief to be on this side of things! Your brother is moving to a new school that is a pretty unique place. I hope we’ve made the right decision. I know all too well how hard these sorts of changes can be. Please be with him (and us) as he settles into it.  Your sister is a firecracker who plugs along as she always does. She sure is something, isn’t she? Boy, does she love and miss you. We’ve had some bigger conversations this year about you. She has such a sweet heart.

I am working on really embracing some big new ideas, and taking bold action toward a new way of living. It is hard and scary, and I don’t really know what I am doing, but I feel the drive to do it just the same. As always, you are the ultimate goal. We have work to do, don’t we? I know you are behind the scenes guiding and cheering, and I am thankful for it. On this side of things, it is so easy to question…is this right? Am I doing what I should? Do I have the right motivation for the steps right in front of me? I would love some clear signs to continue to point the way forward. I know as a human in this noisy and chaotic world, the signs can get lost in the shuffle, but I will do my best to look for them. I believe I was made for more than the life I have been living, and I am ready to take some big steps toward what’s next. Please help me get there.

This season of loss and remembrance hits me pretty hard each year. I wish that it didn’t, but no matter how much or how little I prepare for it, no matter how busy or free I am, no matter what’s going on really, it always gets me each year. I bump along ok, but then this same 4-6 week period comes and you are all I can think about, and there’s an internal clock that remembers at a bone-deep level. This is a season, as it always is, and this too shall pass. I am eager for that time to come.

What do I think you would say to me? Take care of yourself. Have fun. Indulge. Stop working so damn hard all the time. This life is a gift, and though it may not always feel like it, it is something to cherish. We have work to do and I need you. I love you. I will always be here for you. Hang in there.

I feel it in my heart and I know it’s all true. For better or worse, it’s been 14 years, and though it is always bittersweet to remember and celebrate, I do celebrate this milestone with you. Happy birthday to you, my son. I love you more than you know.

Mom