Happy 16th Birthday, Noah!

Happy 16^th birthday to you! Has it really been that long? It amazes me every year as time rolls on how long it has been since we were together here. You are with me always, I know. I feel it. It is a grief not to be with you in this life, but we’ve adapted over the years, haven’t we? It is time to celebrate you again, and thus, another letter.

I am not on social media really anymore, so it changes things. I had stopped sharing your letters there anyway. They are more now just between you and me. Life is quieter in a good way since making the choice to leave social behind. I didn’t realize how much noise it added to my life. It has been freeing.

I have made another change in the last year. Since you died, I felt like I was handed a mission of sorts. A wrong that needed to be righted. A message that needed to be shared. Even though it scared me at every level to use my voice like that, it still felt right and good to do it, and we were a team. We got some big things done. We made the world a better place. I always keep my antenna up for other ways to keep doing it. The years have rolled on, and there hasn’t been anything to do, so now what? What happens when you do a big thing, and then go home to live your life, when the drive, the adrenaline, the mission that powered you for so long is over? How can you settle into the ordinary? I wonder about that when I watch movies where someone has done something cool. Do they just go home and make breakfast? Take kids to school? Go to work, and carry on? It is such a weird feeling. I know I am capable of so much, but waiting for the next adventure coming around the corner is getting ridiculous. I have to settle in the present. I have forced myself to do it this year. I remember at one point when my dad was about my age, talking about not having any goals (in between finishing plans, but not having new ones lined up), and I would tell him it was time to dream new ones. I should drink my own Kool-Aid, huh? It feels like enough to just focus on the present, so I'm sticking with that for now.

Our family is in a time of transition it seems. Dad is figuring out his career. Aaron needs to figure out his direction going into high school, but doesn’t want to, poor kid. (I promise to stop pushing so hard. With all things, he will get there on his own when it feels right.) And Katie is growing into her new life she picked for herself a year ago. She is doing great! I need to get serious about my health and am starting to figure it out. Life is so busy. Help me put me first sometimes on this one. I need it. The kids are getting older, and while it is nice to have more independent people in this house that can cook for themselves, keep themselves busy, and handle many of the things they need on their own, they do grow quickly, as people tend to say, and it is important to treasure what we have while we have it. I don’t want to think too much on that! Our family is a blessing, and I am glad for each of you.

I wish we could have a lengthy discussion about anything together. I wish I could hear you more and have a two-way conversation. I am your mom and I want to know how you are. I will settle for at least this. To keep talking. To keep looking for you in my life. It has been 16 years, and I just haven’t given up on that. At this point I am sure I never will. I love you, son. You changed my life forever from the moment you came along. Happy birthday to you!

Love always,

Mom