Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Feeling Grateful

I find myself sitting with Aaron in our rocking chair feeling grateful for his life and for where we are now. We go back and forth, back and forth, and I study every last part of him. His long fingers, his toes as they curl around my fingers as I play with them, the cowlicks in his hair, the breath gently rising and falling in his chest, his double chin showing his wonderful health and growth. I am amazed at all of him.

Every December, a local grief group for parents that have lost children put on this absolutely wonderful candlelight service to remember those that we have lost. Parents can do a power point slide that shows the child that was lost. The whole thing is set to music and it is incredibly moving. I went this year, and did a slide for Noah. It was a wonderful reflective time for me to go spend an hour or so just focusing on my beautiful boy that was lost. I still think of him every day and ache for the place where he should be in my house and daily activities. Time has moved me forward, and I can function again. I now look back on him and think of his life rather than his death. However, it is a blessing to go have time just for him.

Coming home to Aaron was a wonderful reminder of just how lucky I am. I scooped him up right away and we rocked together in our chair for a good long time, and I just appreciated every part of him. I thought of how if I had only known the last time that I held Noah alive was going to be the last time, how I would have treasured every part of him. It helped me to look at Aaron with more appreciation. God, I am so glad he is here.

Tonight we were sitting together again, and I was remembering those first days after I lost Noah, and how empty my arms felt with no baby to hold. Now I sit with this thriving child and my arms, my heart, and every last part of me is just so grateful that that empty feeling is gone. I knew that I would love him so deeply in a way that most parents can’t understand unless they have been through what I’ve been through. I just hold him and meditate on “thank you, thank you, thank you…”


Blogger Jane said...

Hi Sarah, I came to your blog from faces of loss.
I gravitated to your picture because my son is named Noah too. He was born APril 6th 2008 and died April 8th 2008. He would have just had his 3rd birthday. He too- was born seemingly healthy, and then died quite suddenly.
Thinking of you and your Noah,

10:23 AM  

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