Saturday, June 25, 2016

Happy 7th Birthday Noah!

Dear Noah,

It is June. It is a time for taking extra special care. It is a time for remembering. It is a time for smiles. It is a time for tears. It is a time for taking stock of what we have and feeling grateful. It is a time for reflection on just how far we have come. It is a time when I never know what to expect. It just will be what it will be. June is your month – the anniversary of when you were born and when you died. I don’t know if I look forward to it or dread it, but here it is, and you are turning 7 this year…7 years since my arms last held you.

I have been beating myself up somewhat, because 7 years in, I expect to not feel so raw and not in control of myself. And really, by-in-large, I do better and better each year. But, I do find times where I have a flashback to that horrible night, or have a nightmare that brings back those details too, or I am in my car, and a song comes on, and it hits me the wrong way and the tears just come. I miss you love. I miss you.

That said, I am always grateful for your life, and that I alone hold the honor of being your mother. I am proud of you. I am proud of your memory and all we have accomplished together both when you were here, and the amazing things you have inspired since your death that has changed so many lives. You are simply an inspiring soul overall that I am glad to know and love.

There is so much going on right now. Our family is in a season of change it seems. I have switched jobs. What a boring thing to talk about! Ha! The significant part of it is that I feel like I am letting go of a life raft that I once needed so badly. When life was hard, I had a job that I knew very well and loved, and it gave me an opportunity to come in, go on auto-pilot on tasks that I had down to a science in my own mind, and focus on things that had nothing to do with grief and loss. I could get lost in it, surrounded by people who could somehow make me belly laugh when life was just not that funny. As with most life changes, when you wait for the right thing, it feels good in your gut, and this move feels good. I hope I can build myself a new life raft to keep me busy during the tough times in life, and have the opportunity make a new impact on the world. I believe that our good things that come to our family have had your hand in it somehow – we have the ultimate cheerleader up there in heaven – so thanks for your part in what feels like a blessing.

Your amazing siblings are growing and doing new things. If we can’t have you to love and squeeze on, these guys are an over-the-top awesome make-good from the universe. Aaron is getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. He is nervous about it, but I know he is so ready. Please be there to help your brother through this change in his life. He is a smart, creative and thoughtful kiddo with so much that he brings to the world. I am praying that this is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of life for him and that he continues to blossom.

Katie-cat is also getting so big. Our little sweetie has many thoughts and opinions of her own, and though she lacks the communication skills to tell us what is on her mind, she has her own ways of keeping everyone in line around here according to her master plan! She loves saying “hi baby!” to your pictures around the house, which is so cute. I think she loves you already. She will be a nice balance of following Aaron around and wanting to do what he does, while still being a girly-girl who likes her baby dolls, cooking in her play kitchen, and having her toenails painted. We are just beginning to see who Miss Katie is, and it is so fun to watch her figure herself out. At the heart of her, she is just a lovely human being, and thanks so much for sending her our way! You have picked perfect souls for us in your brother and sister!

Your dad just keeps being the same old person we know and love. He is such a great father to Aaron and Kate, but then you always knew what a natural he is at this stuff. He has been riding his bike more, which has always been such an important thing to him, and I can see what an impact that makes on how he feels about life in general. He will ride for you in the Courage Classic again in a few weeks. He will have your picture on his back as he rides those mountain passes. He and I each have our ways of remembering you and making you part of our lives even though you are gone, and this is how he does it. You are on his mind every day and he loves you so much.

Happy birthday again to you sweet boy. You are such a huge part of who we are as human beings and who we are as a family. It is a tough thing, loving someone who is no longer physically here anymore.  It is hard to explain to your siblings, though they weather it well. We can’t stand to hide away someone who meant so much to us, so we choose to embrace you instead and find ways to acknowledge you and feel thankful that we had you. I love you so much. Kisses and hugs to you sweet boy.

Lots of love,