Happy 16th Birthday, Noah!

Happy 16^th birthday to you! Has it really been that long? It amazes me every year as time rolls on how long it has been since we were together here. You are with me always, I know. I feel it. It is a grief not to be with you in this life, but we’ve adapted over the years, haven’t we? It is time to celebrate you again, and thus, another letter.

I am not on social media really anymore, so it changes things. I had stopped sharing your letters there anyway. They are more now just between you and me. Life is quieter in a good way since making the choice to leave social behind. I didn’t realize how much noise it added to my life. It has been freeing.

I have made another change in the last year. Since you died, I felt like I was handed a mission of sorts. A wrong that needed to be righted. A message that needed to be shared. Even though it scared me at every level to use my voice like that, it still felt right and good to do it, and we were a team. We got some big things done. We made the world a better place. I always keep my antenna up for other ways to keep doing it. The years have rolled on, and there hasn’t been anything to do, so now what? What happens when you do a big thing, and then go home to live your life, when the drive, the adrenaline, the mission that powered you for so long is over? How can you settle into the ordinary? I wonder about that when I watch movies where someone has done something cool. Do they just go home and make breakfast? Take kids to school? Go to work, and carry on? It is such a weird feeling. I know I am capable of so much, but waiting for the next adventure coming around the corner is getting ridiculous. I have to settle in the present. I have forced myself to do it this year. I remember at one point when my dad was about my age, talking about not having any goals (in between finishing plans, but not having new ones lined up), and I would tell him it was time to dream new ones. I should drink my own Kool-Aid, huh? It feels like enough to just focus on the present, so I'm sticking with that for now.

Our family is in a time of transition it seems. Dad is figuring out his career. Aaron needs to figure out his direction going into high school, but doesn’t want to, poor kid. (I promise to stop pushing so hard. With all things, he will get there on his own when it feels right.) And Katie is growing into her new life she picked for herself a year ago. She is doing great! I need to get serious about my health and am starting to figure it out. Life is so busy. Help me put me first sometimes on this one. I need it. The kids are getting older, and while it is nice to have more independent people in this house that can cook for themselves, keep themselves busy, and handle many of the things they need on their own, they do grow quickly, as people tend to say, and it is important to treasure what we have while we have it. I don’t want to think too much on that! Our family is a blessing, and I am glad for each of you.

I wish we could have a lengthy discussion about anything together. I wish I could hear you more and have a two-way conversation. I am your mom and I want to know how you are. I will settle for at least this. To keep talking. To keep looking for you in my life. It has been 16 years, and I just haven’t given up on that. At this point I am sure I never will. I love you, son. You changed my life forever from the moment you came along. Happy birthday to you!

Love always,

Mom

Happy 15th Birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

Happy fifteenth birthday! At fifteen you would truly have been a teenager. We’d maybe be thinking about a learner’s permit to drive this year, which is scary. You’d be in high school with the end of the road of you being at home with us on the all too short horizon. We’d maybe start thinking about college. You’d probably be pushing for independence to begin to figure yourself out away from us. What a different world this would be if you were here in person instead of in spirit! It is strange to contemplate.

The five-year marks always feel like milestones, of a sort. The first 5 years since you were gone, and the first 10. Now here we are at another with 15 years. How are we doing? I think about what anyone would say to their loved ones left behind:

Remember me and include me when you can. Fifteen years have come and gone, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. You are always in my heart and mind no matter what. Since it has been so many years, I think this is just going to be the way of things for the rest of my life, and I am good with it. It isn’t as raw and fresh as it was in the early years. You are just a constant companion in my consciousness. Your stocking still goes up on the mantle at Christmas. We celebrate your birthday each year. We take family pictures with one of us holding your big photo in the middle. We talk about you often. You are just one of us, no matter where you are, and you always will be.

Take care of yourself. This is hard in my crazy life between work and raising kids, but I do my best. I go to the doctor when I am supposed to. I try to eat well and get exercise. I love living in Colorado and the fresh air and outdoor opportunities it provides. Your younger siblings sure keep us busy as well! And we try to prioritize life to relax and manage stress as best as we can. This is a busy season of life to be sure, but we will keep working on taking care of ourselves.

Find things that give you joy. Done. As you know, we have your two younger siblings who give us endless amounts of joy! Watching them grow is such a rewarding experience. As they get older and we have more and more time to indulge in our own hobbies and interests, we continue to have an open mind to trying new things as we can. We live in the car these days taking kids to and from activities, but there is still time to work in a good book to read or ways to be creative or active in between all of it.

Don’t be sad all the time. I do the best that I can. Most of the time I am ok, but I do cry over you and probably will for the rest of my life. I miss you tremendously. Life is a composite of lots of emotions. Joy at watching the kids grow as I mentioned above. Laughter at whatever goofy thing the pets have done. Determination in the things we work towards. Sadness over what we have lost, and everything in between. It’s what makes for a full life. No, I am not sad all the time, but I am sometimes, and I think that’s ok.

And, remember that I love you. We love you as well. That is a constant. It is an earth-shattering, utterly life-changing thing to bring another human into the world. You left an indelible mark. You are remembered and loved always.

Fifteen years since my arms last held you. I can hardly believe it. I both love and hate the passage of time. I love how we all grow and change. I hate time moving me further and further away from you. But you are always there, and I have to remember that. Happy birthday to my sweet boy, the one who made me a mom, which is my favorite part of my life.

XOXO,
Mom

Happy 14th Birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

Hello my love, and welcome to another year! You are now 14, and it blows my mind how much time has passed. It’s been long enough for life to move on in a different cadence, yet you are still there behind it all through everything. It isn’t the way I wanted you to be with me through life, but I am grateful that you are never fully gone. I know you are always there with us, cheering us on.

Where would you be? Getting ready to start 9th grade in the fall? Starting high school, not far until college, the years slipping past. Feeling that fear as parents that the end where you are launched out in the world is closer than we would like. I don’t have to worry about that with you, though. I miss you, and what life would have been.

Life is busy, as it usually is for our family. We’re making big moves. Things have settled and we’re more fully back in the world than we have been in the last few years. What a relief to be on this side of things! Your brother is moving to a new school that is a pretty unique place. I hope we’ve made the right decision. I know all too well how hard these sorts of changes can be. Please be with him (and us) as he settles into it.  Your sister is a firecracker who plugs along as she always does. She sure is something, isn’t she? Boy, does she love and miss you. We’ve had some bigger conversations this year about you. She has such a sweet heart.

I am working on really embracing some big new ideas, and taking bold action toward a new way of living. It is hard and scary, and I don’t really know what I am doing, but I feel the drive to do it just the same. As always, you are the ultimate goal. We have work to do, don’t we? I know you are behind the scenes guiding and cheering, and I am thankful for it. On this side of things, it is so easy to question…is this right? Am I doing what I should? Do I have the right motivation for the steps right in front of me? I would love some clear signs to continue to point the way forward. I know as a human in this noisy and chaotic world, the signs can get lost in the shuffle, but I will do my best to look for them. I believe I was made for more than the life I have been living, and I am ready to take some big steps toward what’s next. Please help me get there.

This season of loss and remembrance hits me pretty hard each year. I wish that it didn’t, but no matter how much or how little I prepare for it, no matter how busy or free I am, no matter what’s going on really, it always gets me each year. I bump along ok, but then this same 4-6 week period comes and you are all I can think about, and there’s an internal clock that remembers at a bone-deep level. This is a season, as it always is, and this too shall pass. I am eager for that time to come.

What do I think you would say to me? Take care of yourself. Have fun. Indulge. Stop working so damn hard all the time. This life is a gift, and though it may not always feel like it, it is something to cherish. We have work to do and I need you. I love you. I will always be here for you. Hang in there.

I feel it in my heart and I know it’s all true. For better or worse, it’s been 14 years, and though it is always bittersweet to remember and celebrate, I do celebrate this milestone with you. Happy birthday to you, my son. I love you more than you know.

Mom

Happy 12th birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

Another year has passed, and here we are again on another birthday, and it’s time for another letter. How are you 12?! It’s the last year before you become a teenager, and I just can’t believe it. You would have maybe just completed 6^th grade, looking ahead to 7^th. You’d most likely be tall like the rest of us, and I wonder if you would be challenging my height, wearing the same size shoes as me and such. Aaron can already flop around in mine in a pinch. And, who knows what you would have been into at this age if you were here. When you are in the thick of raising small kids, it feels like that stage will last forever, but wow, this does slip away fast.

What a year this has been. The world is still insane and getting through this period in our history has been tough. It has asked a lot of all of us, and we have, as we always do, risen to the occasion and figured out how to get along. Praying, praying, praying that the light at the end of the tunnel continues to get brighter. Your dad and I are now vaccinated, which is a relief. Having had one of us get sick and die once already in our family’s history really does make situations like this especially scary, so I really need your siblings vaccinated too. I know everybody is working as hard and as fast as they can get to us all there, so trying to be patient in the meantime.

I know I asked you many times at the start of this school year to please help us get through this. Well, high fives to us, because we did get through it, and it really turned out ok. It turned out great even! I am completely exhausted from trying to do so much this year between working and managing homeschool, but we did it, and it is gratifying to see how much your brother and sister have learned, the unique ways things could be customized to catch up or learn new things that were especially interesting or important. I think we all learned a lot through doing it.

What I am really trying to work on now is gracefully letting go and embracing what is ahead. I’ve been holding on pretty hard to get us all through it, and it’s getting to the place that it is really ok to let it go now. Help me to see that please. I have really neglected myself in all of this and could use the space to get healthy and centered and have a more balanced life. We all need to do it honestly and have the courage to explore and reinvent what life looks like from here. I know you are always behind the scenes, cheering for what’s best for us, so please help us get to where we need to be.

It seems silly to say this because having and losing you has certainly forced me to be stronger and more resilient, but I don’t always feel so strong and resilient, and wish I could be stronger for you. It is 12 years in, and I still think of you daily, and miss you, miss you, miss you. It is the greatest regret of my life that I will never get to watch you grow up. But that was never in the plan for you, was it? I still choose to have you in my life however I can, even if it isn’t the way I would choose.

Please continue to be there in the background always, loving and guiding us. Keep sending the signs to let us know you are there. We all look for them, and celebrate when a rainbow is in the sky, or a monarch butterfly flies past, or any other of the small coincidences that can only come from you. We all love you lots, talk of you often, and miss you more than you could possibly know. Happy birthday, sweet boy. We made it through another year.

Lots of love to you from me always,

Mom

Happy 11th birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

Hello, my birthday boy! 11 this year. What?! Can’t believe it.

I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. With a summer birthday, would you be looking ahead to 5^th grade, or 6^th? Other kiddos with birthdays close to yours will be 6^th graders, so I think that’s what you would be too. That’s crazy. Would you be artistic, athletic, or bookish? You’d probably be the sort to play D&D with us down in the basement. You’d love books. You’d love helping others. I wish I knew for sure.

What a year. The world has gone mad. I often wonder what our loved ones that we’ve lost would make of all this. What would those former lifetimes look like, run up against this current reality? For you, that would probably be pretty scary. Under ordinary circumstances, a run-of-the-mill flu bug picked up at school would put a kiddo like you in the hospital. So, how would we not live in fear? My heart aches for families that still walk that line with their kids. Your lives are precious, and not worth risking. You guys are invisible in our communities – you don’t look sick. I know these special kids are out there though, so no matter what, we wear our masks and take it seriously.

We are staying home and safe. What an adjustment! Three of us are doing well with it. Dad, Aaron and I enjoy being home and living a quieter life. It’s harder for Katie though. She thrives on being social. As we laugh we say: she blossoms in front of an audience (like her favorite character, Olivia the pig!) We’re doing our best to find her online outlets for her extroverted self. The extra time together as a family is really a silver lining. I love our family! Even though it would be stressful and scary, I’d give anything to have you in the middle of it all.

Not much volunteer stuff going on this year, and I miss it. It helps me keep you close. I know the world always needs volunteers and that my time will come again – just not right now. I’ll keep listening for you to tell me where to go and when, as you always do.

This is a strange year to be celebrating. We always like to do something big as a family. I know you would love all of us having fun in memory of you. However, this year, we can’t really do the sorts of things we usually would. We’ll make cupcakes tomorrow and blow out a candle for you. Maybe some hiking this weekend, where we can be by ourselves. A little anti-climactic, but we’ll do the best we can. Aaron and Kate are excited to celebrate for you, and their hugs are wonderful in the absence of yours. How has it been 11 years since I last had one of those? I still remember it though – what it felt like to hold you close. It was one of the best feelings in the world.

I love you, my sweet boy. 11 years in, and I still think about you and talk to you daily. You are just part of me, and I will always be grateful for you. I love being your mom.

Happy birthday.

Love,

Mom