Thursday, July 22, 2010

Taking a break

After the intensity of trying to make it through those first year anniversaries with Noah, it has felt good to take a few steps back and to just live life like normal as much as possible. It has felt good to get up every day and just focus on what lies ahead of us. I think he would approve. I worry tremendously that he carries this on his soul, our grief. Of one thing I am certain, and that is how much he loved us, and lord knows that you never want to hurt the people that you love. We can’t help but feel sad over him not being here like he should under normal circumstances, but at the same time, I think that we do need to carve out moments for normalcy and even joy where we can. Aaron has hit a growth spurt and watching that happen has been fun and also provided some much needed relief. Maybe it is the new issue of having multiple children, and having to split your time focusing on each one as needed. We did our focusing on Noah with the anniversaries, and now it is Aaron’s turn for a bit.

In the back of my heart and mind, I am concerned about taking a break like how we are – not going to grief group, going to counseling less frequently and such – when the inevitable crash will happen. Whenever I have loosened up on this grief work, I end up reaching a time when the sadness, depression, anxiety, guilt, fear and other grief feelings come crashing in. I will have thought that I have dealt with it and rationalized it enough, but I end up being so wrong. New layers surface and I get sucked back in. Will that happen again? Likely. So what do I do then? I am trying to focus on what my reality is right in this moment and know that when it hits, I will need to reach out to the resources that are there again to dig me back out. This is a long journey. That much is certain. In the meantime I try to enjoy the breaks when I can get them.


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