Sunday, August 29, 2010

Going To Own It

Meeting new people has been very hard since Noah died. The inevitable question always comes up. “So, do you have children?” I dodge the question. In fact, I dodge talking to people I don’t know most of the time because I hate going down this road. I don’t want to talk about my loss with strangers.

I feel bad about this because I am usually an outgoing person who loves meeting new people. Growing up, we moved around a lot, and being able to elbow my way into conversations and quickly find my niche of people was a very important survival mechanism. This new way of living goes against everything I know.

We are new in our neighborhood. We have lived here about a year and a half. We know surprisingly few neighbors. That is pretty pathetic because this is a very social group of people we live around. We chose to live in this area because it was full to the brim with families. There are a million kids out riding their bicycles together through the neighborhood, or walking over to the pool in their flip flops dragging beach towels behind them, or heading to school in the mornings carrying musical instruments and science projects. We knew our kids would have a mountain of friends and activities to participate in living here. I know they are curious about us, these families. But I can’t stand their questions because I don’t know how to answer them.

So here’s the new plan. It has been a year since Noah died so it isn’t quite as fresh. When people ask me if I have kids, I am going to acknowledge that I have an older son that passed away. Anyone who would become a friend of mine would have to know this about me anyways. If you come to my house, there are pictures of him up in every room. He may not live here, but he still counts in my heart. Strangers that I meet on the street who I would likely not become friends with, I don’t know that I would go into that much detail. Anyone else, however, is going to get the true story. If they want to know more than that, I will share it, but I am not going to pretend Noah didn’t exist. And I am not going to cut us off from getting to know new people either, so it is time for a little more information and honesty from me. I think I am ready for it finally.


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