Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The first milestone in my Noah week…

Today is June 23 and one year since my water broke with Noah. I woke up that morning and felt a lot of pressure down low like he was dropping quite a bit that day. I went to work as usual, and during lunch, took my daily walk up and down the main drag through downtown. Just as I passed the children’s fountain called “Uncle Wilbur” where children excitedly scream as they dart through jets of water shooting up from the ground there is a Subway sandwich store. It happened right in front of the Subway, while still feeling distracted from the noise and activity of the fountain. I felt the big gush that signals that your water has broken. I was caught completely by surprise. I went immediately into the Subway and found the bathroom. I cleaned myself up as best as I could because I had to walk back to work, which was a few blocks. It sparked the beginning of Noah’s short life outside of me.

Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, or maybe it was to be a good caretaker of Aaron and my pregnancy with him that led me to go walk today at lunch and inevitably end up at the same spot. I wanted to blow Noah a kiss as I walked by, but I knew if I did that I would crumble right there and make a spectacle of myself, the grieving mother come unhinged. I couldn’t do it. I bit my lip, paused for the memory and made myself trudge onward. It was so hard.

All through this journey it is like I am putting together my own soundtrack for my loss. There are songs that stick out and speak to me and articulate my grief in a way that I just can’t entirely do by myself. Today as I walked past this Noah spot in Colorado Springs, I thought of the Beatles song “Blackbird.” There was a more recent version I heard not too long ago that was sung by a woman. This is what was in my head. “Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” My soul was singing it with her on the inside as I made myself move forward.


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