Monday, May 17, 2010

Trying to Frame the Questions

I feel kind of incapable of completing coherent thoughts these days. Between by pregnant brain and my grieving one, I am suffering quite a bit from having lots of tough thoughts and questions circling around inside of me, and unable to get it organized and out. I jump from one thought to another in such a random pattern. It is like having severe ADD. I start one thing, then think of another, and in fear of forgetting the new thought I start chasing it down, and lose the first thought I had to begin with. I am a very structured and efficient person ordinarily, so the loss of that side of me is hard. I remember spending a lot of early days after Noah died being pissed off at myself because I would forget things that I ordinarily wouldn’t. I had to come to terms with the fact that my son changed my life in both obvious and yet not so obvious ways. To expect the old me to be there is setting myself up for failure. So I take what comes, and try to learn to deal with the messy, disorganized Sarah. I keep a journal by me at all times now to track my random thoughts. Sometimes it’s about work. Sometimes it’s about grief. Sometimes it’s about the grocery list, or to remind myself that I am out of checks, so go order more. I look through it later in the day and am amazed at the randomness that is just me right now.

Meanwhile, I have about a bazillion blog posts inside of me about my grief, and I can’t figure out how to write it or pose my questions to God and the Universe. So frustrating. Maybe it just isn’t time yet to work those things out. Here’s what’s on the tip of my tongue:

  • How do you love an imperfect God?

  • How do I find a way to be ok in a world where people are going to do what they want to do regardless of what is or may be insensitive to my grief?

  • My big Noah anniversaries are coming up, and how can I get through them remembering him the way I want, while not alienating others?

  • How do I face the many fears that I feel about being a parent again when it all went so wrong last time?

  • I can get pretty angry about a lot of things to the point that I feel downright crazy. How to I work that out?

I have been encouraged to believe that emotions tend to come up at just the right time to help me heal. When something really starts poking at me hard, it is time to face it and begin the difficult work of figuring out the finer details of it, whatever it is. As hard as you try, you can’t force it. It comes in its own time in its own way. Until then, I will be meditating on these and many other things. Such is the life of a grieving person.


Post a Comment

<< Home