Monday, May 24, 2010

The best side of me?

I am now eleven months into this grief journey, and where am I? Frustrated. I am learning that I will visit and revisit the same grief stages over and over again for varying lengths of time. How can I be here again?! I just did this! This is what I think to myself quite often. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because the people in my life do not get the best of me. I am a terrible friend. I have the hardest time keeping up with phone calls and emails that so many of you so kindly send me. I am a mediocre wife. I have days when I can put time and energy into my marriage, and times when taking care of me is all I can do. I am a terrible family member. I don’t understand how they are grieving and living life post-Noah and judge them for it. I can be a spotty employee at my job. When my grief gets to be too much, I can be short-tempered and disorganized. The sharp, efficient worker that they hired seems to disappear. To all, I unload my problems on them and expect them to take it over and over again, when quite honestly, a grieving mother is sometimes too much for the regular person to handle. Furthermore, my whole world revolves around my boys and not much else. Grieving Noah and processing what has happened, and desperately fighting for hope and meaningful life with Aaron’s arrival. I don’t have room for much else. I am sure that the rest of the people in my world have interesting things going on that I should be investing time and energy in, but I only have room for this. Again, this is not the best of me.

Or is it? Here I am makeup off, gloves off, stripped down of all defenses, modesty and pride. This is the real deal – naked emotion both good and bad. This is raw me and my deep love for my son and my grief and having to learn to cope in a world where Noah can’t be. What is the best side of me? Was I being inauthentic before all of this happened? I know that this version of me now can be a bit much to handle, but it doesn’t get any more authentic and real than this. Throw me in hot water and this is who I am, laying it all out on my sleeves and fighting to process every last bit of it so that I can not just survive but live. Either way, this is how I have to do it. And to those that stick with me along the way, bless you because you mean the world to me for your patience, love and understanding


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