My Birthday

Today is my birthday. It is also one year since we decided that we wanted to have a baby. So, I am sad that I am not where I wanted to be in my life at 31, and also sad because it is the first Noah anniversary of the year. I have been kind of dreading the day. Those that have been through this and are a little wiser at this stuff told me that I would do better if I had a plan. I heard from a co-worker that up in Denver, they were doing “A Walk to Remember,” which is a walk and ceremony for parents that have lost infants. That sounded perfect. If I was going to be missing my boy on my birthday, at least I could be in a healthy grieving environment. I signed us up, and it did the trick. I was looking forward to participating in the event, and being around others that know what this whole experience feels like. I also ordered us Noah t-shirts to wear so everyone could see who we are missing.

I woke up this morning to discover that Colorado is covered in ice, and there was a drizzle of freezing rain adding to the excitement. My mom and two best friends Mary and Jenny came over to go to the event with Chris and I. We gave it our best shot, and by the time we got up to the north end of town, we had seen enough bad accidents to scare the bejesus out of us and make us turn around and go home. I knew that the best strategy for the day would be to have an open and loose attitude, and to just go with the flow, whatever that meant in any given circumstance, so it didn’t bum me out too bad. I was disappointed, yes, but I was also in a car with some of my favorite people, so that’s all that really mattered, right?

We decided to go out to a nice breakfast close to home, and settled for Adam’s Mountain Café in Manitou Springs. After our stomachs were filled with banana walnut pancakes with real maple syrup, eggs and sunflower toast, we ran by the grocery store to get some balloons. The ceremony for A Walk to Remember includes a balloon release. I loved the idea, so we decided to do that part on our own. We wrote messages on them to Noah, and then walked down to Rock Ledge Park, the park at the end of my street where I walked just about every day the second half of my pregnancy. We found a good spot, and took turns reading off our messages to Noah, and releasing the balloons. They disappeared up into the cloud bank. It felt like they really went to him. Jenny’s made an awesome loop-de-loop before rising all the way up. All of them looked pretty graceful as they made their way up to the heavens.
It was in the 20’s, damp and misty, so we were freezing and eager to go home for hot chocolate with marshmallows, blankets and a good working furnace. I spent the rest of the afternoon with the girls watching a movie and spending time talking and enjoying each other’s company. Chris took me out for Thai food for dinner tonight. We are now relaxing and hanging out. I survived the day, and had fun with some of my favorite people.

Side note: Chris and I got our final test results back from the geneticists at Children’s Hospital. We are, as we suspected, both carriers of the MCADD deficiency. This was no surprise, because in order to have a sick child like Noah, we had to both be at least carriers. We are relieved that this is all that we have. It could have been that one of us had full blown MCADD and that it just never manifested itself in us yet, or it could have shown that we had some other weird issue. With us both being carriers, this is the lowest risk scenario going forward. We have a 25% chance of having another MCADD baby. We have a 50% chance of having a baby that is a carrier like us. We have a 25% chance that we will have a baby that has no MCADD whatsoever, carrier or full blown case. It is a relief to know our actual odds going forward.