Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Happy 4th birthday Noah!

Dear Noah,

It’s 9:30pm, and I am exhausted after a long week, but what can I say? You are on my mind. The fact that another year has passed and it is time to write you another letter just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I found myself with the words to say to you here on the anniversary of one of the very best days of my life: the day I became your mother for real. I feel like I say it every year sweet boy, but it is still true. I think about you all the time, and love you, love you, love you.

Last year was so hard on your birthday. Our side of town was on fire, and Dad, Aaron and I had to pack up in a hurry and leave. My heart wanted nothing more than to focus on you, but got clouded with the fear and anxiety of a rapidly spreading forest fire. It made for lots of regretful feelings, as well as feeling like I “didn’t get it done” when it came to grieving you like I needed to last year. It was hard. But, I am so grateful that our lives were only disrupted for a week, and that we got to come home, to YOUR home, the one YOU lived in, and somehow or another the year passed, and life moved on for us.

This year, I want to do it right. It is a heck of an anniversary, such a profound time of remembering the incredible highs and lows of experiencing birth and death in less than a week. It is a lot to remember.

You helped orchestrate some incredible things this year. Somehow or another I found myself in Washington DC in front of a scary group of people, holding up your picture and telling them about you, and how you never should have died. Urging them to have care for other babies to come that will be born with an illness like yours. I don’t think they listened. Or if they did, they haven’t done anything. I had to do it for you, to try at least. I had to help your brief life to not be lived in vain, and I think that this is your life’s purpose. As your mother, I want to help you in that so badly. I know we can work together to find a creative way to get there. I am willing love. I will keep my eyes and ears open for where you want me to go next. You are one of my favorite topics of conversation and I will go to any lengths necessary to tell your story.

Aaron is growing so big. I am proud to say that he knows who is brother is. He looks at your pictures and says your name and calls you his brother. He has been my snuggle bug and has filled my arms since you left. Now, he is such a big boy and wants to run off and be independent. It is lonely having those empty arms again. I know that if you were here, you would be doing the same, as you should. It is a natural part of life. But, in my mind you are the four day old infant that I couldn’t put down. It is hard. I miss you, and I miss that feeling.

It is exhausting, living life with a perpetual broken heart from losing you, always having to keep pushing forward, to be a good sport, to swallow it down so I don't make others uncomfortable, to try to act normal when a giant piece of me is missing. This has been a hard season of remembrance. Everything feels like it is pushing me just a little too hard. The fact is that life goes on, and somehow I have to keep fighting to move on with it. You are just not so easy to get over my love.

It is hard to imagine that I have a four year old, and crazier still to think of what life would be like if you were here. Thank you for coming to us, and being our son. We love you more than you can imagine. Happy birthday sweetie.



Anonymous Ruthann Fisher said...

Beautiful. And thank you for sharing with those of us outside your day to day life. I love that you take the time to write these letters. I suspect it is a small part of helping your heart and mind speak which is I am sure so helpful for you. I can't help but think that Aaron is going to cherish all of these notes once he's much older and in a space to receive them. I still think of you so often and pray that these next few days are endurable. Thanks for sharing the FB photos of life with Aaron. It warms my heart to see you so happy!

7:41 AM  

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